IN THE THICK OF IT

There they were, two toddler friends playing together on a beautiful, hot July day. The girls hadn't seen each other since leaving their Addis Ababa orphanage. Back then, four months -- a lifetime? -- ago, they spoke easily to one another in their native Sidama language.  On this day, at this lovely park in Manhattan, they still speak easily to one another. Only now, the language is English.

It was predicted, of course. Everyone who knows about these things said that my daughter would learn English quickly. And she certainly has. It's a marvel to witness her mastering this complicated language.(Although it's very sweet to hear her say, "Mommy, can I come here please?"). She does not use any of her Sidama language anymore, and rarely uses the Amharic she learned upon arriving at the orphanage.

That brings me to a dilemma. Should I try to preserve her native tongue? To what end? When will she ever use it? Or, should I ensure that she, like the Ethiopian-American youth I met at a Cultural Day celebration, take Amharic lessons?

Does it matter?

"Look at them," says D. as she and I watch our girls playing together on that hot July day. "They're going to have completely different experiences because you're African American and I'm white."

It's true. Most people see us together as a family and have no idea she's adopted from Ethiopia. Does that mean my daughter will not ache for a connection to her roots as intensely as her friend? Is it more important to retain the markers of your cultural heritage when you look so overtly different from the rest of your own family?

Or, is blood thicker than skin color?

Comments

[JDP]

Of course there is no difference in a white mother adopting an Ethiopian, than from a black mother adopting one. I believe, all of us, every single Adoptive mother basically feels a kind of insecurity when it comes to their children being adopted, and maybe it comforts some people to think that their family somehow seems more legit simply because your daughter's skin shade is SIMILAR, surely not exact, to your own. Just because people can't tell she's adopted, doesn't mean she isn't. ANd she'll know it, so what does it matter what other people think? She is your adopted daughter from Ethiopia, just as my daughter is my adopted daughter from Ethiopia, and in the end, you know, simply put, they are our daughters. I doubt you understand your daughter in some mysterious profound way (not that you actually said that), any more than i understand mine, simply because you are a black mother, and I am white. Okay, black women have me on the hair thing, but you know, some of us white folk, maybe it's only a chosen few, understand what you need to do with a nappy head. ANd you know, even if the child grows up with a nappy head and ashy knees, it'll be alright, as long as she's getting college paid for, she'll figure out what she wants to figure out. I am a white mother of a black Ethiopian daughter, and I assure you, I am not looking at my daughter like, oh lord, what can I do with this black child? A lot of women want their black daughters to have free and natura curls, we can braid, but babies have tender heads and I really don't want to get crazy with her head simply to hide those beautiful curls.

To be honest I get so many dirty looks from black women, I am amazed. I mean, this is me and my baby girl shopping and talking at the mall, and you would be AMAZED at the attitude. I smile at them, no, I'm not callin out "What up sista?" Thinking cause I have a black child, I've suddenly gained that experience, but i smile, because many of them have daughters, and it would seem we have that common, and most of the time I get nothin. And you know, white people act stupid in a different way, like, they smile like"oh, aren't you so sweet for saving the little black child." And that condescending attitude is disgusting, and not to stereotype myself, but I get is from a lot of creepy jesus people.

In the end, this is my daughter, just like your daughter, it's just that our skin colors do not allow us to hide under a false imagine of the kind of family we really are: an adoptive family. ANd if anything,our relationship and the bonds we share are proof that all this talk about white and black people and all their differences is pure hype. In the end, I am this babies mama, and she loves me exactly the same as if I were her black biological mother, and if she just suddenly woke up white tomorrow, she'd still be my baby, all the same. Not to say that our child will have the same experiences, you will have "growing up being black in America" stuff in common, but, honestly, in this day and age, to be young, black, educated and free in America is a beautiful thing. Just listen to Nina sing it. Of course, there are THOSE people, creepy white prejudice people , but my guess is, you try and stay away from that kind of person the same way my and my family does. As we also avoid uneducated black people who somehow think they have more of a right to be my daughter's parent than I do. My husband and I are young, educated, and live in the upper middle class status. God only knows our daughter, who will be an only, will be running the world at twelve. I sure hope she isn't wasting her time looking in the mirror saying, "oh god, why did you make me so beautiful and black?" Easily we could have adopted a white baby, spent our money on in-vitro or whatever. But how could we have done something like that knowing that the only reason we would not have adopted a child is because of its skin color?

As Dr. King has said, and as I have quoted a thousand times, "There is only one race, the human race." The rest is just old stuff people keep holding on to cause the new world just got here too fast.

Thanks for sharing your blogs, I'm glad you and your daughter found each other. ANd sorry, i think I got a little of your topic:)

[Bridgett]

Thank you Gwen. Much appreciated!

[Gwen]

Hi there,
I just wanted to say that I recently found your blog and have enjoyed each entry! I hope you keep writing!

[gab]

the reason i would encourage you to expose your daughter to her native language so that she retains it is that one day, when she is older and searching for her identity she will want to spend time in ethiopia. knowing her native language will allow her not to feel like a stranger in her own country. i am saying this as a person who was raised in countries different from the one she was born in (sweden) with parents who insisted that we speak every language we were exposed to as well as learn the language of our native country (they sent us to a swedish school in germany where we lived at that time). i cannot express HOW thankful i am for this, as i can travel to sweden and not feel like a tourist or even an outsider; since i also speak spanish (my parents are latinos) i can travel throughout latin america and immerse myself into any society or culture. i am deeply thankful to my parents for this.

your daughter will most likely look for her roots in ethiopia one day (the thousands of korean adoptees who flock to south-korea every year to search for their roots and to learn their birth language proves that they, regardless of where they were raised, feel this need - ethiopian adoptions are pretty new: your child will one day be the new face of adult adoptees, just like the koreans are today). knowing the language will give her an automatic sense of belonging without taking away from any sense of belonging to the US or her adoptive family; on the contrary, it will expand and strengthen it.

my plan is to adopt a child from ethiopia. my child retaining and knowing her native language will be as important to me as my familiarizing myself with african hair or understanding her experience as a brown/black person in this society while i, her mother, is white. just as these things are non-negotiable her knowing her native language will be non-negotiable for me, too. i want her to feel at home the day she wishes to travel to ethiopia.

[kristine]

Being the white mom of a brown skinned child I think the child of the white mom will need more connection with the African American community than she will need to learn how to speak a language she will have little chance to use. She will need her African American connection every day of her life.

Language is wonderful of course but in the US it's extremely difficult and it's possible it could add more stress than it may be worth. The rest of the culture though I believe should be celebrated frequently and with love.

kristine