Black Like Me

Back in November, NPR did a series on the black family. One of the segments was devoted to black families who adopt from overseas. I was obviously happy about that, as there really aren't enough examples of African Americans who choose international adoption reflected  in popular culture -- even though our numbers are growing. It's a fascinating piece that includes an interview with Thomas Atwood, president of the National Council for Adoption. You can check it out here.

The woman interviewed, Sheri Redwood, was in the process of adopting from Ethiopia. The host of the show asked The Question: "Why Ethiopia?" Ms. Redwood said she chose international over domestic adoption because she wanted to have the biggest humanitarian impact. Yeah, but why Ethiopia? asked the host. Because: 

"We wanted to choose an African country because we're African American. We would never go to Asia or somewhere else...we want the child to be comfortable in America racially and socially."

In other words, she specifically wanted a black child.

I've been following a heated and heartfelt discussion about race on the major ET board.  So many of the white parents are earnest in their efforts to understand what their adoptive children's experiences will be in this country, but the pervasive underlying tone is one of duty, of obligation. I get the impression that if they could avoid the race issue,  and still have their lovely Ethiopian children, they would. I don't see anyone on those discussion boards saying, "I felt a desire to integrate my social world, to push past my comfort zone and explore my own prejudices and deepen my understanding of black culture, to delve into touchy racial subjects firsthand --that's why I decided to adopt a black child."

People are rising to the occasion, true, but that's different from saying, "We wanted a child whom the world would see as African American. We wanted the challenge."

As one mom on the discussion board said: "Does it always have to be about race?"

Yes.

As someone who has spent a lifetime learning to fit in in a predominantly white culture, I can both applaud trans-racial families, and admit that that's not a challenge I'm willing to rise to. Given what my children must face from society, and given my own history, I want them to blend in within the family unit as much as possible. You could say I know too much.

Whatever it is, I have always been clear that my adopted child would be many things I could not control and one thing I could: she'd be black like me.

Comments

[Julia]

I just stumbled on your blog from another one and found this post. I am one of those white families who felt pulled to Africa & Ethiopia but I also "felt a desire to integrate my social world, to push past my comfort zone and explore my own prejudices and deepen my understanding of black culture, to delve into touchy racial subjects firsthand --that's why I decided to adopt a black child." I certainly haven't expressed that to anyone, not even my own family. When asked why adopt and why Ethiopia, I routinely mention statistics about poverty levels or joke about wanting an excuse to go to Africa every year or so but to actually say, as a white woman: "I want a black child" seems somehow strange, naive, or maybe even offensive. I grew up hearing the term n*****lover, not often and not from anyone who is still in my life, but enough for it to make an impression. Maybe I don't want to make my desire for a black child into some sort of fodder for redneck jokes thereby reducing my child to just a race instead of a person.

A family across the street from me has a glassed in front porch. Every few weeks the whole extended family seems to gather and all the men get their hair cut on the porch. In the summer I sometimes sit on my porch and watch the goings on. It seems like such a sweet time to me that I would never be invited to because I don't have that kind of hair. One of the things I look forward to when I get my boy is crossing the street and asking Mr U to cut my little 'un's hair too. Mrs U already said he would.

Thanks for giving me "permission" to want a black child, not in spite of his blackness but, at least in part, because of his blackness.

[kristine]

Wonderful! I have heard from a couple white families that they were pulled to Africa and Ethiopia.

I've heard white families say they want to integrate their neighborhoods but I would rather they integrate a black neighborhood and raise their black children amongst people 'who know too much.'

I have been in contact with a couple families that are doing exactly that. But it's rare.

Thanks for your writing and for the beautiful photo!