Tips For The Mother Frustrated By Her Ethiopian Daughter's Hair

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM A LIFETIME OF BLACK HAIR CARE AND A YEAR OF HAIR CARE ON A LITTLE TENDER-HEADED GIRL:

1. Don't use a comb. Use a wire-bristle brush. (combs really hurt, believe me); hold her hair very tight near the root when you brush it, so it won't pull on her scalp as much; take your time, and do a little at a time; be VERY SENSITIVE to her protestations. She's not acting. It hurts.

2. Untangle her hair ONLY on the day you wash it -  leave in the conditioner and then brush out the kinks with that wire bristle brush

3. Do "two strand twists" on wash day; (you don't even have to wash out the conditioner)... her hair can stay in those twists for a few days, and then when you untwist it, she'll have beautiful curls that she can wear a few more days, and then presto! it's hair-washing day again

4. Gently finger comb her hair during the rest of the week; that way, it won't lock, and she'll look presentable

5. Get over the feeling that it can never look frizzy or kinky or nappy -- get her an assortment of headbands, so that you can push it back off her face and just let it be -- -if you think it's looking too frizzy, quickly spritz her hair, put a creamy product (like Carol's Daughter's Hair Milk) on it, twist it, leave it for an hour, take the twists out

6. Use a lot of de-tangler spray on the days you decide to braid it or put it in "puffs" or ponytails (remember: no comb -- wire brush!)

7. Stop feeling miserable. Relax, and on the days she doesn't want you messing with her hair, don't. Make that a headband day, or part it down the middle and give her puffs. Some days, you might just pick the lint out, rub some Hair Milk into it and put a barrette or two in the front. Done.

8. Every day, tell her how beautiful her hair is -- when it's puffy, when it's braided, when it's just being itself. Never act exhausted by the process. Try not to be frustrated. Make hair-washing day fun: while twisting my daughter's hair, I let her watch a favorite movie,  or we do a sing-along. It largely works. (Of course, she still complains; I just try to distract her)

9. Remember that your goal is simple, just not easy: to make her feel good about her hair even if she can clearly see that yours doesn't require the same amount of pain and work.

10. Remember that it's a process. Be both sensitive to her cries and patient with yourself.

photo credit: flickr

Comments

[Margaret]

Thanks for this! I had read a little about flat twists, but didn't actually try them until I read this post. And just being a little more relaxed about how my daughter's hair looks helped too (e.g. not worrying so much that people will think I am the incompetent and uncaring white mother of an African American/Ethiopian American girl). So, the curls looked great, but turns out my girl preferred a ponytail...hmmm.

[Gwen]

Okay, I can't even describe how awesome this post is. We're a Caucasian couple waiting for a referral for two Ethiopian children... and my nightmare (literally) is that if we have girls, I will wreck their hair so badly that passing AA women will gasp with shock and fright, and immediately KNOW that a white woman is responsible for that travesty! :o

I've got the how-to DVDs and the YouTube links and the line on an AA lady who does braids, but this is so helpful. Thank you, thank you!