Tips For The Mother Frustrated By Her Ethiopian Daughter's Hair

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM A LIFETIME OF BLACK HAIR CARE AND A YEAR OF HAIR CARE ON A LITTLE TENDER-HEADED GIRL:

1. Don't use a comb. Use a wire-bristle brush. (combs really hurt, believe me); hold her hair very tight near the root when you brush it, so it won't pull on her scalp as much; take your time, and do a little at a time; be VERY SENSITIVE to her protestations. She's not acting. It hurts.

2. Untangle her hair ONLY on the day you wash it -  leave in the conditioner and then brush out the kinks with that wire bristle brush

3. Do "two strand twists" on wash day; (you don't even have to wash out the conditioner)... her hair can stay in those twists for a few days, and then when you untwist it, she'll have beautiful curls that she can wear a few more days, and then presto! it's hair-washing day again

4. Gently finger comb her hair during the rest of the week; that way, it won't lock, and she'll look presentable

5. Get over the feeling that it can never look frizzy or kinky or nappy -- get her an assortment of headbands, so that you can push it back off her face and just let it be -- -if you think it's looking too frizzy, quickly spritz her hair, put a creamy product (like Carol's Daughter's Hair Milk) on it, twist it, leave it for an hour, take the twists out

6. Use a lot of de-tangler spray on the days you decide to braid it or put it in "puffs" or ponytails (remember: no comb -- wire brush!)

7. Stop feeling miserable. Relax, and on the days she doesn't want you messing with her hair, don't. Make that a headband day, or part it down the middle and give her puffs. Some days, you might just pick the lint out, rub some Hair Milk into it and put a barrette or two in the front. Done.

8. Every day, tell her how beautiful her hair is -- when it's puffy, when it's braided, when it's just being itself. Never act exhausted by the process. Try not to be frustrated. Make hair-washing day fun: while twisting my daughter's hair, I let her watch a favorite movie,  or we do a sing-along. It largely works. (Of course, she still complains; I just try to distract her)

9. Remember that your goal is simple, just not easy: to make her feel good about her hair even if she can clearly see that yours doesn't require the same amount of pain and work.

10. Remember that it's a process. Be both sensitive to her cries and patient with yourself.

photo credit: flickr

Comments

[Bo Coughlin]

Fantastic information - we have been trying to find some sort of reference on this for a while now (even our kids have gotten into the effort) searching etc. We are really trying - but after some of the comments we get from passers by we must not be doing to well. Our son is only 2, and we actually like to have him simply grow his hair out - is that wrong? Are we committing some sort of unwitting faux pas? Now I am the a dad, so I have no doubt I am doing something wrong - but really just want to make sure that we do the right thing here and without any real authority on the subject every time we get the '...you don't know how to take care of his hair...' (which we of course take as - you stupid white people, why did you think you could have a black child...) Will literally take any pointers I can get here - or on anything. Our son is awesome, I just want him to know how awesome he is and how far we'll go to do what he deserves - hair may be just hair, but its all important in showing him he is as important as our other 4 kids. thanks again.

[Margaret]

Thanks for this! I had read a little about flat twists, but didn't actually try them until I read this post. And just being a little more relaxed about how my daughter's hair looks helped too (e.g. not worrying so much that people will think I am the incompetent and uncaring white mother of an African American/Ethiopian American girl). So, the curls looked great, but turns out my girl preferred a ponytail...hmmm.

[Gwen]

Okay, I can't even describe how awesome this post is. We're a Caucasian couple waiting for a referral for two Ethiopian children... and my nightmare (literally) is that if we have girls, I will wreck their hair so badly that passing AA women will gasp with shock and fright, and immediately KNOW that a white woman is responsible for that travesty! :o

I've got the how-to DVDs and the YouTube links and the line on an AA lady who does braids, but this is so helpful. Thank you, thank you!